Boyfriend Bashing
by uber.katt
Summary: All the girls get together to complain about the fact that all the boys they know are ahem. The 'G' word. Crackfic. Implied Shonen ai. Language. Shojo ai if you squint. Implied threesome. And the ohso amusing Kinky!Sephiroth.


Disclaimer: I OWN KINGDOM HEARTS!!!! And Kingdom Hearts Two. They're sitting on top of my television, underneath a borrowed Final Fantasy Ten and Sly Raccoon.

Warnings: Practically non-existant Kairi/Namine, now for the pairings that popped into my head while I wrote this random crack: Sora/Riku, Tidus/Wakka, Cloud/Squall, Sephiroth/Cloud, Roxas/Hayner, Seifer/Ria, Pence/Vivi, Vincent/Cid, Cloud/Vincent, Cloud/Cid/Vincent, Axel/Roxas, Saix/Xemnas, Xigbar/Demyx, Xaldin/Saix, and the crack pairing that made me snort orangeade out my nose: Marluxia/flower.

Summary: All the girls get together nd complain about the fact that every boy the know is- ahem. The 'G' word.

"What's taking her so damn long?" Yuffie demanded childishly, slouching in the armchair.

"I'm sure she just got held up, and anyway, she's only ten minutes late," Aerith reminded the younger girl, who huffed, sinking even deeper into the bright blue material. "Look, there she is!" Every eye in the room turned as a girl with purple-red hair rushed up the path, looking extremely flustered. The door opened, then closed again, and Kairi entered the room.

"Sorry I'm late," she apologized, flushing a light shade of pink.

"Hey, we all got here on time," Yuffie protested, sitting up. "What held you up?"

"Uh... Sora and Riku," Kairi mumbled, blushing brighter. Every one of the girls in the room knew exactly what that meant; it had happened to all of them, after all.

"Take a seat, Kai," Selphie suggested, patting the empty space on the couch next to her, and the redhead thankfully fell onto the soft cushions. Yuffie went back into a huff. "They weren't planning on going to the secret place, were they? 'Coz Wakka and Tidus are supposed to be-" -she air-quoted with her fingers, grimacing- "_-exploring_ today."

"Uh... actually, they were in the cove," Kairi responded, startled. She knew about Cloud and Squeon, but Wakka and Tidus..?

"Apparently, Squall and Cloud were training down at the bailey," Tifa growled, punching the moogle plushie that was tossed unceremoniously on the couch beside several woollen throws and cushions. "And if that's what they call training-"

"Please don't finish that sentence," Yuffie pleaded, covering her ears with her hands. "Seriously, it's just too gross!"

"But we came here to discuss it, didn't we?" Aerith pointed out. "There's something I need to tell you all."

"Yeah? What is it?" Selphie prompted.

"According to Cloud," Aerith began, suppressing a laugh, "Sephiroth has found a new use for that sword."

"_Gross_!" Yuffie shouted, stomping her feet angrily. "Did we _need_ to know that?"

"We need to do something about these stupid boys," Kairi muttered, her sapphire eyes blazing with determination. "Split them up, anything! They're not supposed to be-" she stopped short. None of the girls ever said the 'G' word. "I just mean... they're not meant to be like that," she finished weakly, slumping into the seat.

"Look, there's nothing we can do about them," Olette stated, though it looked like she would do anything for it to be otherwise.

"Bullshit," Fuu retorted angrily, glaring. Then again, this was no change; Fuu's default facial expression was set to 'glare'.

"Huh? You have a plan?" Yuffie asked hopefully. If she did have a plan, it would probably take a lot to get it out of her, since she refused to say more than three words in a sentence, even to them.

"Hell no," Fuu said. If she had been anyone else, she would have looked sheepish. Because it was Fuu, her glare simply receded into a rather irritated pout.

"Olette, you're being kinda quiet," Kairi said, halting the line of conversation. "Is something wrong?"

"No, not really," Olette mumbled, and Kairi raised one eyebrow. "OK, maybe there is."

"Well, what is it?" Yuffie asked, voice strangely kind, rather than demanding.

"Pence was getting his photographs developed this morning, and... you don't even wanna know what Roxas and Hayner were doing with that sea salt ice cream," Olette shuddered, shaking her head. "The images just won't go away. And the sandlot after Seifer and Rai-"

"Disturbing," Fuu growled, folding her arms as her glare intensified. It wasn't even directed at anyone.

"I couldn't have put it better myself," Olette agreed, shooting a sympathetic glance at the silver-haired girl. "Don't even get me started on Pence and Vivi!"

"Trust, me, we won't," Yuffie said loudly. "I've got enough of a twisted mind after seeing Vincent and Cid- I can't even finish the sentence!"

"And that time Cloud was with them," Tifa thought aloud, rubbing her temples. "That was unbelievably _wrong_."

"I thought it was just Cloud and Vincent," Aerith cut in, distressed. "Cid was there too?"

"Cid was pretty obviously there," Tifa elaborated, punching the defenceless plushie once again. "I'm gonna have to agree with Yuffie for once; it was gross!" Suddenly, out of nowhere, a pale blonde girl in a white dress appeared.

"Yeah, well imagine having to piece together Sora's memories of Riku," she sobbed, falling onto the arm of the couch ungracefully. "I had to draw it!" Kairi gasped, pulling the blonde girl into a comforting hug.

"It's OK, Namine, it's OK," she reassured her, rubbing her back soothingly.

"And Axel and Roxas," she choked out. "Axel's twenty-three!" Every girl gasped in unison. "The stuff that went on in that organization was absurd! Saix and Xemnas, Demyx and Xigbar... oh God please don't make me tell you what Marluxia did with a rose!"

"I think we can imagine for ourselves," Selphie muttered, wincing unintentionally. "Was everybody like that?" Namine seemed to be lost in a world of nightmares, because now she was shivering.

"Xaldin and Saix... with the lances," she whimpered, crying uncontrollably as the room fell silent.

"Oh my God," Kairi whispered, tearing up. "Namie, I never knew!"

"You poor thing," Aerith sympathized. "Just let it all out, and I'll go make some tea, how does that sound?"

"That..." Namine sniffled, then continued. "That sounds nice."

A/N: OK, firstly, I wasn't high when I wrote this, I swear. Secondly: I wrote Kairi being nice! happy dance I'm so proud of myself. Sorry if any of them are OOC. Concrit welcomed with open arms, but flames will be fed to the ravenous nameless Plotbunny. That reminds me, he has a message for anyone insane enough to read my fics:

"Rrrrrraaaaawwwwwwrrrrrr! Naaaaaaaaammmmmeeeeeeeeee meeeeeeeeeehhhhhh!"

And if I didn't have him sedated and caged, he'd be like that all the time. Yeah. That's right. Stuff like this gets written when Plotbunny is sedated. Tell me if you want another chapter.

Cyanide


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